FIVE FINGERS

 

Five finger sandwiches are traditionally served for afternoon tea in England: ham and mustard, cucumber, egg and cress, smoked salmon and coronation chicken.  I have substituted parsley for watercress, which is impossible to find here in Memphis. Here are the recipes:

TASTES LIKE CHICKEN (COSTCO ROTISSERIE CHICKEN)

I am obsessed with Costco's ubiquitous rotisserie chicken.  This $5.00 carrot gets millions in the door of the big box leader so they can buy giant jars of trail mix and ten lb bags of chicken nuggets that will permanently occupy desperately needed freezer space.  So why am I obsessed?  One, it's a ridiculously cheap, I mean a raw whole chicken will cost between $6.00 & $7.00.  Two, it's way bigger than your regular grocery offerings. Three, it's a straight up, tastes like chicken, chicken.  Not lemon-pepper, or five spice or rosemary-mustard.  Just chicken. 

When you get the chicken home, before you stash it the fridge, debone it.  Check out this How to Debone a Chicken to see how easy it is.  I chop the legs, thighs, and wings into a easy to eat size (they can be chopped finer as you use the meat.  The breasts are left whole for optional slicing or cubing.  Take the carcass and make bone broth.   Here are some of my favorite ways to use the harvested meat:

LET'S START AT THE BEGINNING

I am obsessed with breakfast.  If I don't have a well prepared meal to start my day, I am miserable all day.  I am not a morning person, so I appreciate a breakfast that is easy to prepare and easy to cleanup after.  I am very anal about my eggs.  My wife makes perfect scrambled eggs, but eggs in any other form she leaves to me because I am an absolute tyrant about both presentation and taste.  

• After many years I have mastered the two egg omelet in two languages, the rolled French omelette and the folded Japanese tomagoyaki. 
• Perfectly poached eggs can be mastered freehand in a saucepan of rapidly swirling water, in a dedicated pan, or 4.5 minutes in shell (soft boiled),
• Fried over easy are actually no flip over easily accomplished by adding two tbsp water and cooking the eggs covered over medium heat for 4 minutes. 

BENTO BOX BINGE

 

Freezer meals have become the essential culinary tool for time constrained households.  this is nothing new...Swanson introduced TV dinners in 1953.  Today's grocery stores are likely to offer at least two aisles of freezer meals in for every palate and occasion. Unfortunately most are expensive or boring or both.  The solution is to prepare your own.  A few hours on a weekend can produce heat and eat meals that will please your tastebuds and your schedule.

SEXY AT 67

BLACK FOREST PUDDING CAKE 

I'm not sure who convinced women that chocolate is sexy, but I, on behalf of all men, thank him.  Now if you want to convince the male partner that food is sexy, just set it on fire.  And if you want to gain the gratitude of all seniors, make it  only take a few minutes. However this approach is tailor made for the younger set.  If microwaves had been around when I was in college, I would have included it on all first dates. 

Hercule Poirot, Survivalist

The Fleur 75 

Equal parts gin, champagne, & crème de violette 

Tonight I spent a good amount of time indulging some of my favorite Francophile fantasies. I set the stage with one of the most glorious cocktails ever invented, the Fleur 75, a champagne/gin concoction the exact color of Elisabeth Taylor’s eyes, followed by a peasant dish immortalized by Hercule Poirot (yes, I know he was Belgian, but his palate was distinctly French), Lapin a la Moutard, a luxurious, leisurely fricassee of rabbit and mustard. 

Rolling Right Along

When I get bored I tend to get creative with my food.  When I was younger, and more energetic, I would debone a whole chicken.  Today I am more efficient and confine myself to a roulade, a piece of meat pounded to a malleable thickness spread with something tasty, and then rolled up into a tidy, tasty package.

Chili for Chilly Weather

We’re expecting sub-freezing temperatures tonight and that calls for the essential cold weather meal, classic red chili. Now chili may have its roots in Mexico, but it was only fully realized in Texas, birth place of my father. My mother made typical WASP chili...ground beef, canned kidney beans, chopped tomatoes, and chopped onion, seasoned with salt and pepper. 

Wienerschnitzel is Country Fried Steak

I am always amused when someone uses a foreign language to disguise a peasant dish, usually so unsuspecting customers can be charged a haute cuisine price.   Growing up I was told that only unfortunate children in Dickens’ novels had to eat mush for dinner.  Now everyone raves about polenta as an elegant side dish.  Corn meal mush by any other name is just as tasty and filling.  

One dish from my children’s German heritage is schnitzel, praised as one of the “Few of My Favorite Things” from the film, A Sound of Music.  As elegant and satisfying as the film, schnitzel, is really just a tarted up version of country fried steak. 

Thanksgiving Post Mortem

Six of the Thanksgiving dishes at the Wheeler household this year,  Clockwise:  Deviled Eggs, Dad's Cornbread Dressing, Browning Bag Turkey, Sweet Potato Anna with Prunes & Port, Pearl Onion Gratinee, and Cranberry Chutney

Most of the food press spends all of November giving you ideas for the Thanksgiving holiday dinner.  The problem with that is most of the dishes are so complicated and/or expensive most cooks won’t test drive them before the holiday and the dinner guests become lab rats for your culinary experiments.

This year we had no absolute disasters, only a couple of minor disappointments, and we had a few major triumphs. 

Dieting with Style

Although there was a time when I was slim, since turning 30 I have struggled with my weight, a condition aggravated by the fact that my wife and children effortlessly remain slim.  It’s not that they work at it.  My son ignores his diet altogether, while my wife and daughter feign allegiance to healthy eating while consuming copious amounts of sweets (my wife) and alcohol (my daughter).

I have found a way to diet that suits me.  I eat whatever I want in increments of 200 calories, a tactic that means miniaturizing many of my meals.  Tonight I am going to take some pedestrian items and have a lovely, cheerful, small meal.  The main attraction is a chicken sandwich with lemon dill mustard.  There is no real cooking involving, just some incredibly smart shopping.  Here are the main elements:

Lazy & Decadent Lemon Tart

I am a fan of food that is easy to prepare.  However, it is a myth that it has to come in a box, frozen concentrate, or pre-washed to be convenient.  After my wife, Brenda, suggested we get a box mix for lemon bars, I decided to resurrect this Betty Crocker recipe and present it as an up town dessert, Tarte Au Citron.  It is disarmingly simple and sublimely delicious.  One word of warning, do not substitute.  You cannot get these results with anything other than real butter, fresh lemons, and real eggs.  So take a few minutes to prepare this pretty dish, serve up a small slice and toss some fresh berries on top to satisfy the healthy food police.  They will never suspect how lazy and decadent it really is.

Wagnerian Cookies

Kirsten Flagstad
The Ultimate Wagnerian Soprano

It’s unclear who first paired chocolate with cherries, but I do know that the Germans came up with the ultimate expression of the combination in the Schwarzwälderkirschtorte, the Black Forest Cake.  The Black Forest Region in the German state of Baden-Württemberg is famous for it’s sour cherries and it’s local maids dressed in black jumpers adorned with red pom-poms worn over a white blouse.  It’s rumored that a local baker smitten by such a girl created the chocolate confection decorated with cherries.  It’s not true that it also gave birth to the alternative meaning of tart.

Whatever the origins of the Black Forest Cake, I promise you that a couple of these cookies and you will be hearing Wagnerian sopranos.   A Kirschwasser accompaniment is optional.

My Tribe's Gumbo

All human behavior is tribal.  My children have had that axiom drilled into their heads since they were little.  The trick is identifying an individual’s tribe.  In most of the world, nationality and tribe are synonymous.  Here in the US we have this schizophrenia about our tribes, identifying ourselves as African American, Italian American, Mexican American, etc.  The truth is that most Americans spend a good deal of the lives looking for their identity.  A recent foray into my family tree revealed that much of what I had been told by my grandparents was elaborate fantasy designed to cover up family skeletons.  One place in the US that people know who they are and where they come from is Louisiana. 

Best Bisquick Brownies Ever

My mother (who was no great cook) used to make fun of her younger sister for her reliance on Bisquick for biscuits "from scratch".  While I do use Bisquick for biscuits, it is the plethora of "impossibly easy pie" recipes available on the Betty Crocker web site that brought me back to the yellow box.  However, the following recipe is my own amalgamation of the Betty Crocker and Hershey's sites.  Most people have their favorite brownie recipe, I will put this one up against any for its ease and taste.

West Meets East

Horace Greeley, Founder of the Republican Party

Horace Greeley is credited with originating the advice, “Go West, young man…“  In 1976 I would go West and discover the East.  Prior to that my only exposure to Asian food was a dinner at the sole Chinese Restaurant in Memphis in 1967, Joy Jeung’s.  I had Egg Foo Yung, hardly an authentic Asian dish.  Happily geography and history would conspire to expose me to the sublime cuisine of the Orient.  In 1976, my employer, the US Immigration & Naturalization Service, would move me from New York to San Francisco to deal with the refugees from South Vietnam.  I would spend the next two years out in the refugee neighborhoods meeting exotic people and eating exotic food.

Pasta Primevera with Costco Shrimp

I knew it was a day for a Costco assisted meal when, after an hour on the phone with my mother trying to walk her through installing antivirus software on her new notebook computer, I decided to treat myself to a Manhattan only to find that the mother of my children had decided that my dry vermouth, sweet vermouth, & bitters were taking up too much room in the refrigerator and tossed them.  Note to all serious drinkers…those cute, little dorm size fridges are perfect for all the must be refrigerated bar essentials.

Manhattan

Risotto, An Ode to Sophia

Although I freely admit to being an Anglophile, preferring Tudor houses, Georgian furniture, Jaguar automobiles, & Harris Tweed jackets, I have to defer to the Italians when it comes to knowing how to live.  After all, when I grew up the biggest sex symbols were Elizabeth Taylor, Bridget Bardot, & Sophia Loren.  

Elizabeth Taylor, Bridget Bardot, & Sophia Loren in the 1960s

Elizabeth Taylor, Bridget Bardot, & Sophia Loren today.

See what I mean.  So when it comes to comfort food with panache, look to the Italians.  Risotto has a reputation for being difficult, but it is, in fact, very simple.  It just isn’t fast.  Nothing sensual is.  Risotto, once  learned, will yield multiple pleasures, limited only by your imagination.  If you want a simple substitute for potatoes, use the basic recipe.  You want a sophisticated side dish to impress the in-laws?  Throw in a cup of asparagus cut in bite size pieces.  How about a satisfying main dish?  Add chunks of rotisserie chicken or some boiled shrimp.  Whatever you add to your risotto, it helps to think of Sophia  laughing, living well, and lasting long.

Cinco de Mayo, My Way

My first job after college was with the Immigration Service at Kennedy International Airport.  The hours were ridiculously long, but it was a fantasy job.  I met movie stars, heads of state, & royalty.  The best part of the job was meeting people from all over the world.  It was like traveling while sleeping in my own bed every night.  Along the way, I made lots of friends who shared their cultures’ food with me.  On Cinco de Mayo, the Mexican Day of Independence, I gravitate to the ultimate Mexican comfort food, Chile Verde.  It represents a universal type of staple that probably dates back thousands of years.  I grew up on the Mississippi River Delta with a constant pot of Pinto Beans & Ham, but my family’s anglophile roots meant a frequent pot of Irish Stew.  My wife’s German heritage added a staple of Navy Beans & Pork.  Leave it to the French to dress it up and call it Cassoulet. Whatever culture you go to, their aboriginal antecedents have a meat stew that exists in some form to this day.  

Nick Charles vs James Bond

Mint Julep

As a teenager, I had dreams of moving to New York and living the life of Nick Charles of The Thin Man fame.  I blame William Powell with my obsession with doing things with a reverence for tradition.  While most young men of my era wanted to be Ian Fleming’s James Bond, I aspired to be Dashiell Hammett’s  Nick Charles, the ultimate New York bon vivant.  Bond’s heavy handed approach to cocktails, “A Martini, shaken, not stirred.”  could not be compared to Charles' precise directions for using a cocktail shaker, “The important thing is the rhythm. Always have rhythm in your shaking. Now a Manhattan you shake to fox-trot time, a Bronx to two-step time, a Dry Martini you always shake to waltz time. “ (Today I follow Auntie Mame's advice, "Always stir, never shake.  You'll bruise the Gin.)